This is how I feel right now in life--spiritual and otherwise. I know I'm becoming something--God promised I would be (Philippians 1:6), and right now, the hope of that promise is all that's keeping me going--but I find myself unable to comprehend what that could even look like. Today, I'm the best version of myself, yet also at the cost of seeing, all too clearly, everything that separates me from the Father. It's the "benefit" of being drawn into the light: all the shadows are exposed.
If I had to be honest, I loathe myself. I loathe who I've been, and how, in ways, it still affects who I am today; I loathe who I am without God; I loathe how much my flesh keeps me from living a life that would please God and bring me ultimate satisfaction. I feel ugly, dirty, despicable.
Intellectually, I know I'm not so worthless. But I'm like the caterpillar who just can't see who he's becoming. Surely there's some end to this metamorphosis?
I know what God says--that He won't leave me here; that He's going to make me like Him--every day--but I just can't see it. I'm overwhelmed by the reality of my sinfulness, and right now... I just can't see past it.
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