Once upon a time I wrote a blog about being in transition. At that point in my life I was rather frustrated about not being very disciplined because of past selfish behaviors and stuff. So I took an entire semester off and God worked wonders for me in that department. I was able to come back the next Fall semester with a brand new perspective and set of skills to help me succeed. Transition actually took place (praise be to God!), so you'd think I'd be content, right? Yet here I am, a year and a half later, and I'm still "in transition." (You have to read that last part in a contemptuous, mocking tone, because that's how I wrote it.)
Growth is good--don't get me wrong--but it seems the closer I draw to Christ the more He reveals how sinful I am. And I'm never going to be done transitioning. And that's really. hard. to deal with. Things I never realized I did I see all too clearly now. People I didn't know I'd forsaken and hurt now stand in full view. And I'm all-too-aware of just how inadequate I am. How careless I am with my money. How bad I am at self-control. How poorly I take care of myself.
It's tough, because I don't want to be that person that too much of me I am. God must be perfect, because only someone with perfect love and grace can put up with this mess. It's certainly hard for me to deal with.
I want to be the kind of person that accurately reflects Christ, as consistently as possible. I get so tired of how much my sin and my selfishness interferes with this. I want to decrease, so that He may increase. That's the toughest part of this "transition": there's just too much of me. The me apart from Christ. The me who only thinks of himself. The me who is so prone to complacency and self-centered living.
And I don't really have an answer to all this. I don't know what the future looks like, whether I'll have less messy things to look forward to or just more good things, or maybe both. I was reflecting on some of my more careless, self-destructive behaviors tonight, realizing how far I have to go to be at a place where I'm not doing these kind of things so spectacularly, when I took a little comfort in the reality that the Lord will be the one to deal with this. Like, even though this stresses me out in so many ways, I don't have to deal with it. The fact that my God is bigger than all the sin in my life, that He has the power to deal with it and deal with it adequately is good enough for me. No, it doesn't exactly make this journey any less difficult, but I think I'll be able to have a little more contentment in the midst of the turbulence when I remember this truth.
Good for you brother. As it should be since we are who God created us to be at any given moment. I too have this problem of not being satisfied with who God made me to be. Yet He lovingly comes beside me to remind me that even when people hate and discourage me for quoting His Word, that His Word accomplishes the purpose He has for it whenever it is shared. Isaiah 55. I remind myself Paul said, "I do not even judge myself." When I do this it seems to work out.
ReplyDelete"He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it."
ReplyDeleteThose are the words that encourage me in my version of what you've just wrote. Because I'm totally there with you Adrian. I also read a book about Spiritual Journeys that said spiritual life isn't about the destination, but about the journey and about being with Christ in the journey. So I'd say you're doing great friend!